FULL TRANSCRIPT. (The following is the full transcript of this episode of Catch The Message. Please note that this episode, like all CTM episodes, features Victor and Deanna speaking extemporaneously–They are unscripted and unedited.)
VICTOR:
Hello everyone. Welcome to the Healing Everyday Podcast. My name is Victor,
DEANNA:
And I'm Deanna. Hello. What's going on, man?
VICTOR:
Well, what's going on? Well, we're doing something that I love and that's talking about our favorite quotes, because quotes to me, they have, they've been very therapeutic for my l through my life, but we'll talk about that in a second. How was your day?
DEANNA:
It was, it was actually a really good day. So, um, for anyone listening, if this is the first episode you've ever popped in on, um, Victor and I speak in, uh, in schools. We implement, uh, sexual abuse prevention education. And a lot of the time what we, uh, or who we go and present to is kindergarten through eighth grade. But we do present all the way up through high school and, and even to colleges, right? But primarily K through eight. But today I was at a high school. Now, these students, I've, I've actually seen them, I do believe the last two years in middle school. And they were awesome. Um, but it is, it is such a different crowd going from middle school to high school cuz high school students in presentations, at least, they're just a little more subdued. Um, the participation isn't, isn't there the way it is with middle school.
DEANNA:
Um, so you just have to go in with more of a, like a somber attitude and, and speak to them like they're young adults, cuz they almost are not quite. But, um, definitely, uh, an emotional day. Um, you know, we get, we get pretty heavy into our story starting in seventh and eighth grade. So high school is no different. And, uh, we talk a lot about, like, Victor and I do something called digital dangers. And we talk about like what can happen and how when, when we are going through like this electronic harassment or people badgering us, it can take such a toll on us and the impact it can have. So, so it was a great day. It was a great day. Um, long, but good. How about you? How was your day?
VICTOR:
Oh, my day was, my day was great. Um, yeah, I, something that I think about with our work, and it's something that I think we just, well, at least I came to kind of terms with this year for the first time is that, and it all became the inspiration of this podcast, the title of it. And I think you kind of inspired me to that. And that is, you know, we are constantly on a journey of healing. Um, if you've gone through any kind of trauma in your life, you know, we, you can get to a place where you're very, you know, you're, you're in a good place, you're confident, you're, you're feeling good, but there's always potential moments that maybe trigger you back to whatever that trauma was. And it's a constant, uh, journey of, of healing. And, and that's why I think, well, that's why we call this podcast healing Every Day because that's what we're, we're doing.
We're, we're, we're trying to find tools and ways and, and, and things to inspire us to, to, to heal and to continue our journey of, of being healthy and happy and right. And, and kind of being grateful for all the things that have we've gone through in our lives. And, and, and again, I i I, maybe you and I look at this a little bit differently, but I'm very grateful for everything that's happened to me. Maybe because I don't know, I, I, I try really hard to, I, I get it that things that happen are very painful, but I am here today, uh, because of everything that's happened. I mean, I don't wish, I wish none of that would've happened, but it did. Whatever that is, you know, for everybody, whatever that trauma is. But I'm here today because I surround myself with people that are, for the most part, pretty positive and want to be a support system. And I think that's one of the biggest things we teach kids is that, you know, it's, it's, it's one thing to go through something, but when you feel like you're going through it alone mm-hmm. , it's very painful. And so we're really about helping kids to understand that, to be surrounded by people that they can, uh, go to. And that's what about it too. Same thing.
VICTOR:
Absolutely. And that's, that was a big thing that I talked about with students today was I am not asking all of you to be happy all the time or, or act like your past didn't happen because that is so unrealistic. Um, and like, I, I am not, if I could go back in time and stop my abuse, I would. Right. I, I think, I think anyone who's lived through abuse wouldn't want it to happen, but it did. And I can't go back and change it. And so we learned to live alongside it and I'll be, I'll be totally honest. Like, I would not trade my life for anybody's. My life is pretty awesome , right. You know, between like being a mom and, and a wife. Like, ugh, you guys, I got, I have to tell you for like a minute about the present I did for my husband first birthday.
DEANNA:
Um, and, and just the work that we do and all of that. Like, it's, it's really because we've done a portion of healing. It's where we are today. It's awesome. Ugh. So, okay, lemme tell you about my husband's birthday. So my husband is not a gift guy whatsoever. Like he, my hu my son says, my husband's catchphrases don't spend any money. Like, it's funny, right? It's a joke in our house cuz I'm the one who buys stuff. So for his birthday this year, instead of like buying him something or buying him golf balls, you know, just like a random present. I, uh, I reached out to like 10 of our closest people in our life and I asked them to make a video, um, to my husband about, you know, what their friendship means or, you know, just saying something nice and, and my husband is not a crier. I got him to cry. It was great. It was great. And I'm not even worried about him hearing me say that because he doesn't listen to the podcast. So . So it was, it was freaking awesome. And I took that idea from Victor cause I know Victor does that for people. And I saw Victor's, what was it, your 50th birthday that your family did that for you?
VICTOR:
Yes.
DEANNA:
Oh, so cute. Yeah, so cute. So anyway, yeah.
VICTOR:
Yeah. That's, that's something else that I love to do to help myself get through things and to, um, you know, again, I like to create a lot of you already know that, but I like to create out of things and, and be, when I'm, to me, when I do these kinds of things for my family and I'm like editing these videos for birthdays and we, we do whole, like, acting out different, like different scenarios that happen in our family, but like, people act like the other person, you know, like, uh, we kind of role play. It's hilarious. I mean, for example, my sister Michelle was climbing the ladder one day cleaning out gutters, and she got a leaf like stuck in her eye, got in her eye. So for her, I think it was her 60th birthday, my brother reenacted it, he wore a wig, he's up on the ladder and all of a sudden we had it already planned. But when he turned, acted out, you know, we're not actors. Yeah. We turned, we had taped a, like a, a leaf sticking out of his eyes, , that kinda stuff. But it, you know, it, for me it's like spending time with people that I really care about, even though I'm not with them all the time. But on video it's, you know, editing, it's fun. So,
DEANNA:
And it, and it lives forever. Like, I had so much doing it and I totally surprise Matt because like I told him it was on, it was on a Saturday that I got the idea and his birthday was on the Tuesday. So every like four or five hours I'm sneaking off to my room to say, oh, I've gotta do something for work. And we already do so much work outside of regular hours and Matt's like, oh, okay, I guess that's fine. Go, go do your thing. actually editing his video. Oh, I love it so much. That's awesome. Okay, so Victor,
VICTOR:
What, wait really quick. You had mentioned, uh, that, you know something about you don't have to spend a lot of money on a gift cuz usually the, the, the gifts that mean the most necessarily don't cost very much. Yeah. It's the thought. It's, it's the meaning behind it. And that's all. I mean, that's, it's all connected to what we're doing here. Like, it's, it's so cool when you can create something and make something from scratch and, and, and, you know, you said Matt doesn't cry a lot with stuff like that, but he had tears, so
DEANNA:
Oh, yeah, no, no. Like, and I to, I told him because I didn't want it to be like that. I was putting him on display. I didn't wanna show it to him in front of other people. I didn't want him to feel like I was gauging his reaction, like however he reacted was, was perfect. And so to, he put his AirPod, I told him to put his AirPods in while he was listening and, and it was just, it was, it was perfect. And like I put all the funnier ones towards the beginning and the really sappy ones at the end. Um, so it was like a, a perfect storm of emotion. That's right. And yeah. Yeah. It was, it was, it was so sweet. And now it looks forever. It does.
VICTOR:
That's really cool. Mm-hmm. . All right, so let's get to why we're here today. And one of our favorite topics is our favorite quotes mm-hmm. . And, um, I'd like to read a couple, um, I'll do one that maybe you can do one, but this is from one of my latest books. Yes. I'm plugging my book. It's called Wonderful You . It's wonderful. You, um, I have a background in graphic design that's where I, what I went to college for, and I love to create things and design things like this. And so I created, um, this book. It's all about some of my favorite quotes and, um, one's by Albert Einstein. And I have like a little stock photo of Albert Einstein that I purchased to put in the book. Very cool. But it's, it's, it's a, a meaningful quote to me, and I'll tell, I'll explain. I am neither clever nor especially gifted.
I am only very, very curious. Albert Einstein cares what it reminds me of, I remember being in college, I went to Columbia College in Chicago, and I was in a class, was an art history class, and I always took copious notes. I mean, I would record my, my, my professor's lecture and I would take notes because I was afraid that if I'm writing, I would miss some of the things he would say or she would say. So it was perfect. I would record. I was doing that in, I think, uh, at the community college too. And people thought I was nuts, but it, it was fantastic. So then I would go back and re-listen to the lecture and take notes in the, in the margins of my notebook. And, um, it, it proved to be pretty, uh, amazing. And it, it allowed me to be successful.
Anyway. I remember being in this class and it was, you know, a very interesting class to me, art history. And this, this student, my, a friend of mine comes up to me, she's like, wow, you really love school? And I go, well, I love to learn. I love to listen to people, um, who are smarter than me. I always tell this to kids. I never wanna be the smartest person in a room. And guess what? I'm pretty much, I never am. Um, because we're in schools all the time, um, I mean, it's, it's all relative anyway. But I can learn just as much from a fourth grader as they can learn from me. I, I can guarantee you. So I always like to be curious if there's something I don't understand, I'm gonna go find out. For example, when Covid hit and we knew that we were not gonna be going into schools, I had to think, okay, how can we live stream into classrooms? And that was my vision. I'm like, we're gonna do this. And I actually, in my head, I kind of predicted that the whole next school year, kids were not gonna be going at least for part of the year. But I think it ended up being the majority of the year. Both of the
Majority of the, the whole year we presented Livestream the whole year. Yeah. So we were livestream, but I wanted to, um, I was curious enough to say, okay, no one's gonna teach me how to do this. Yeah. I can, you know, call friends, which I did. I called a friend who's into that kind of thing. But I went to YouTube and I just was curious. I'm like, I have to get this. I know we can create it. Our goal is we're very animated presenters. That's kind of the whole idea behind our curriculum. And I wanted to be able to create it so that people would feel that through livestream. I didn't want to just be sitting like we're doing right now mm-hmm. and be teaching kids this concept and this, this idea of body safety. So I wanted to emulate what we do in, in person. So I went to work. And that's my point, is to be curious.
And I think, I think for me, when I was going through all my trauma, I was always curious at some point to figure out, I don't want to be in this state anymore. I, I, I understand that I'm sad at this moment, or I'm devastated that, you know, I was abused and thinking about it over and over again. But it got to a point where I, I didn't want to have to like live there as much as I was. I wanted to be curious enough to say, okay, first of all, speaking up and talking was number one. But I also wanted to, uh, going to, going to a therapist at that time in my life was amazing. I had never done that. But now, let me back up. I, I did go to Aine when my father was going through alcoholism and, and all that.
We, Aine is an, a group for younger kids of parent, you know, that are, that have parents that are alcoholics. And I wasn't very invested in that. I really didn't want to be there. But that's when I was probably like 12 or 13. Mm-hmm. fast forward, I was 19 when I started therapy. But I looked forward to it. Like, I was curious to say, okay, what is she gonna ask me to do now and talk about now? And you know, and again, I got curious with my own imagination and, and thinking and all that. So this quote, I'll read it again, is, I am neither clever nor especially gifted. I am only very, very curious. I kind of disagree with the quote in the sense that, I mean, he was very gifted. Don't you think
DEANNA:
I'll, yeah. Yeah. Okay. First of all, yes. Um, great quote. Uh, funny thing. So Harry, my son, he watches, um, you know, different, different creators. He watches kids YouTube and stuff like that. And, and he comes across some very interesting stuff. And one of them was about Einstein. And one day he we're like sitting there, we're using these things called, um, like paint crayons or paint markers. They're basically, or stick paints. Yeah. They're so cool. So we're stick painting. And he goes, mom, okay, I wrote it down. Hold on. Um, mommy, do you know who Albert Einstein is? And I'm like, yeah, how do you know who Albert Einstein is? And here he goes, he's very smart. He's very smart mommy. And I go, okay. And we keep coloring and he go, I wrote it down. He goes, mommy, call me Harry Stein. Call me Harry Stein.
VICTOR:
That's hilarious.
DEANNA:
It's so funny. My my kid man, he's something else. Um, okay. Yeah, great quote. You guys should all buy the book. Okay. I have a quote. Are you ready? Well,
VICTOR:
We'll give you, we'll give you how to get it in a little
DEANNA:
While. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Okay, so I, I have, I have two quotes. My first one is, each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it, possibly without claiming it, she stands up for all women. And that's by Maya Angelo. And, okay. So when we decided we were gonna do quotes today, I just did a quick Google search about quotes about survivors. Right. And cuz there's a lot of quotes that I live by, but I didn't wanna obviously reuse any of the my favorite ones that we've already gone over before. And I think this is, is so powerful. Um, I mean, we stand for all survivors, right? Like, that's really important. Um, but historically speaking, right? Um, women have been seen as less than. And coming from a family that did not value girls, us girls were completely and totally disposable. Um, this is so powerful.
Yeah. And I think I, I think for me, um, when I get to go in and like, I've had boys disclose, but I've had more girls disclose to me. Uh, and I I think part of that is absolutely the representation piece. And to see, oh, well she can do it. Why can't I do it? Or she's done it and, and she waited. Maybe I don't have to wait as long and I did not realize. Um, and that's why I love the, without knowing it, possibly without claiming it, I did not realize back then when I first started opening up about my abuse when I was 20 and then 21, and then 22, I started doing prevention education. I had no idea I was standing up for other women. I had no idea. I knew I was educating boys and girls, but I did not realize at the time how inspiring it is for people who identify the way I do.
And, and now looking back, uh, in, in those earlier days when I was first talking about it, there were so many people who said, thank you for doing this. It means a lot to me personally. And I, I would just think, oh, you know, maybe, maybe they're survivor. But, but even deeper than that, maybe the, the personal connection is I'm a woman too, and I'm connecting too. And I, I mean, I see it all the time. My following, uh, on TikTok, you could get, um, like the breakdown in males following versus females. I have got, uh, 95% females. Wow. So, um, while there are many male survivors and lots of male survivors reach out to me, um, again, I'll, I'll read the quotes. Each time a woman stands up for herself without knowing it, possibly without claiming it, she stands up for all women. And that's, that's a
VICTOR:
Humble way of looking at that too, right?
DEANNA:
Yeah, definitely. And while I never, I can't give someone a voice, I can't give someone courage that is not mine to give away. Um, it, it's absolutely true. Yeah. And I think that we can also say that about male survivors, you know, um, again, historically speaking, men and boys are not given that space to, to even identify as a victim, let alone receive help for it. I mean, I have kids all the time, Victor, that ask me about you. Um, especially if they've seen you before and now they're seeing me in a classroom or in a presentation, and they'll ask about, well, did did Victor see justice the way you did? And I, I let them know. Unfortunately he didn't because I, I'll be honest, Victor, I just don't think they took it that serious.
VICTOR:
Hmm.
DEANNA:
Yeah. Yeah. But you're sta I mean, just like, just like I stand up for all kids, you do too. But that representation piece is really important.
VICTOR:
When you say they didn't take it too serious, who are the people that I, that helped me? Yeah. I mean
DEANNA:
No, no, not, not your counselor. Your co obviously your counselor is amazing. The the investigators
VICTOR:
Yeah. The law enforcement. And again, no disrespect to law enforcement. No,
DEANNA:
No, not
VICTOR:
At all. Then they dealt with it so differently. They, they really didn't know how to really, how to really go about it. I, I really feel that, um mm-hmm. , yeah. It, it was almost being like re-victimized all over again based on the things that he said afterwards. And there was no empathy. There was nothing like that. You know? And again, you know, he was a macho kind of police officer, macho man being a police officer, right? Not all police officers are macho, I mean, empathetic and all that. But this guy, I just remember, he was just like, eh, he wasn't really like, I had a, like, tell detail by detail of what happened. And he is one of only two or three people that actually know all the details. So
DEANNA:
Yeah.
VICTOR:
But, but no, that's a, that's a really great quote. Um, I'll get to my, are you good? Is that, I'm
DEANNA:
Good. That's one of my quotes.
VICTOR:
Alright, here's, here's one. Um, a hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles. And one of my favorites, Mr. Christopher Reeve, and I picked this picture because look at the picture
DEANNA:
In a little girl with a superhero cave.
VICTOR:
It's the future woman who is speaking for all women, right? . That's really cool. So, um, we talk about that. We talk about kids to connect with their trusted heroes, um, and their trusted adults. And, um, I think it's really, really important, and I love this, A hero is an ordinary individual, right? Um, there's a lot to be said about that. You know, people, um, just, you know, I I I just think people don't have to be like superheroes in the sense of, you know, having all this talent or, or intelligence like in Albert Einstein, but they just do little things in a, in a, in a, in a way that make a difference. You know, there's a saying, and I said it before, uh, little hinges swing, big dorms, right? It's the little things that people do that make all the difference in the world. And that, you know, that really empower people. And I always like to ask this question to kids, and I'll ask it to you listening here today. Um, who do you want to be a hero to? I love that question. Who do you want to be a hero to? And, and it really kind of sets it up for like, okay, well, ooh, like maybe I, I can be better than I was yesterday. And think about it from that perspective. And
DEANNA:
Are you talking about true nobility? Cause I talked about that all day today.
VICTOR:
Yeah, true. Nobility is a great thing. And, and what is true nobility, Deanna, explain it
DEANNA:
For true nobility is not about being better than anyone else, it's about being better than you used to be.
VICTOR:
I love that. That's like a trademark. I mean, that's such a beautiful thing, you
DEANNA:
Know? It really is. So, really quick before I, I go into my next quote, um, Victor, who do you wanna be a hero to?
VICTOR:
Oh, I, I wanna be a hero to, to three, three children in my life. Actually four now. Um, uh, my kids, uh, Angelo, Mimi and, and Luca and my girlfriend's son, Ryan. I think, um, yeah, I'd like to be a hero to them in some way. And when I think about it like that, you know, I don't, I'm not gonna be perfect. I don't expect to be perfect, but I can be someone who, again, I always say this to my children. I, you know, I say I, I always want them to feel comfortable coming to me, whether I agree with it or I'm not happy with it, and whatever it is I want them to know. They can always come to me and talk to me. And that's the one thing I was lacking from not so much my mom, my mom never said much about it, but my dad gave this vibe, like, you know, boys don't cry. You know, you can't share your feelings. You sh you know, uh, you know, he, he would say a lot worse than that. I mean, I love my dad. He was just, he was a character. But, but I want my kids to know that, you know, I'd rather them come to me than to somebody else. I mean, they're gonna go to other people, but I want them to feel comfortable coming to me with, with whatever is going on in their life. And I think that's, that's part of being a hero to somebody. They feel comfortable.
DEANNA:
Yeah. You're a safe person. Yeah. I mean, I, I tell students all the, all the time I endeavor to be a trusted hero. I, I wanna be a safe person. And I tell people like, it's an honor Yeah. To be that safe person. And it's, I think, I think it's incredibly powerful. And same thing, like, I hope I'm a hero to Harry , that kid, he's, he's been calling me mom, and it's been really weird. I'm mommy, right? And, and like lately, he's like, you think it's funny when I call you mom? I'm like, yeah, well, you can call me whatever you want. But like, I feel, I feel the babyhood, like, babyhood is over, toddlerhood is over, but I can feel it even more so slipping away.
VICTOR:
Well, yeah, he's getting older. I mean, I think we should call you mommy time.
DEANNA:
. . Yes, I am Mommy Stein. Are you
VICTOR:
Another quote?
DEANNA:
I do have, quote. If we're being honest though, Victor. Um, while I was a good student, I was a terrible test taker. Terrible. Even though I studied the anxiety. Oh yeah. Okay, my next quote, uh, you survived the abuse. You're gonna survive the recovery. You survived the abuse, you're gonna survive the recovery that is by, um, our Lord and Savior, Olivia Benson. If anybody has ever watched, um, special Victims unit, um, she is, uh, the detective, love her. And I freaking love this quote. Um, I, I absolutely agree. Um, living through abuse, when we're living through it, it is obviously incredibly difficult. But when, when you're in survival mode, we don't always realize that's what we're doing. It is difficult and it is scary. And then sometimes, once it's over or once we're out of it, and, and we're maybe, maybe we're experiencing new types of trauma and abuse, but a lot of the time o once, once the child's part is over the recovery.
I mean, to me, the recovery has been almost as painful. And, and it's, and it's a part of acceptance and I'm part of that someone we loved and trusted or, or maybe didn't love, but we at to one point felt safe with, took advantage of that. That's right. And, and it's true. It's true. If we can survive that, we can survive. What else comes our way? Again, I am not about being like, just be happy and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like, I, I don't wanna give people false hope, but I do wanna give people hope. Right? That absolutely. If you can do, you are capable of doing hard things. And I, I believe this, I'm not gonna say that it's easy cause that's a lie. It has been very difficult, the recovery. Um, I think I've talked about it before. I've circled back into therapy now, and I think that's very powerful to know, yes, you can survive the recovery and you also don't have to do it alone.
VICTOR:
Right? I love that. That's great. That's great. Good stuff, isn't it? Love
DEANNA:
It. Yeah.
VICTOR:
I love quotes to live that we live by. Um, yeah. I, I think, uh, you know, the abuse is always, the whole trauma thing is very painful, but to know that you've got, you came through it, right? Mm-hmm. and, and, and that awareness itself is extremely, uh, powerful to know that, okay, well I, I went through it, you know, I'm still here. You know, I may not be emotionally, uh, uh, solid, uh, but knowing that I, the recovery, the healing, um, if I went through that very painful thing, I know I can get, I can get through that. And it, it's a mindset. It's also a support system. It's, you gotta do the work. You have to do the work. You can't expect it to just happen. You have to be aware. It's a, it starts and it won't. Yeah.
DEANNA:
It, it, it really does. And, and being like being able to identify different patterns and maybe the coping mechanisms and the patterns that served to save us in the past, we can honor them and thank ourselves for surviving. But we, we can also choose to find different paths and, and different ways to work through that recovery and the healing. Um, with no shame or blame. Like there's things I did back when I was at my most unhealthy mental, emotional wise that I used to just shame myself for, you know, and, and when we have shame and blame, we really can't analyze things. We really can't look at them. But when you take that piece away and instead just honor yourself for surviving, and, and you did that, and, and now we can get through the recovery and, and, and as we say, it's, it's healing every day the rest of our lives.
VICTOR:
Perfect. Perfect. Yeah. I, I think that's a, a good place to, to stop. Um, I, I would like to make a, um, , I was just thinking about this as you were talking. Um, if you follow Deanna on TikTok, and if you don't go find her, what's your, your, is it called,
DEANNA:
It's Yeah, my handle. It's at d Hynes, d e e h y n e s 57. It's that on all social media.
VICTOR:
Perfect. So here's my challenge. I, I'm putting this book up here because this is, I'm very proud of this. If you'd like to order a copy, you can go to two 12 victory lane.com. Again, that's two 12, the number two 12 victory lane.com. However, whoever is the first person at the next live that Deanna, which is every morning, isn't that pretty much?
DEANNA:
Almost every, so I don't do Monday mornings anymore, cuz Monday mornings blow, but the next one would be, so this is gonna be released this upcoming Monday, right? The Tuesday, the following Tuesday,
VICTOR:
Yeah. So what I wanna do is I'm gonna challenge whoever puts it in the comments, uh, what we can have them say something like, uh, should
DEANNA:
We have them say, I
VICTOR:
Don't know, like, I love my voice, or, or
DEANNA:
Let's do that. No, no. Ok. Cause I'm making
VICTOR:
Type I love my voice. Um, and then we'll figure out, Deanna knows it's better than me. Yeah. We'll get your, we'll get your name and address, and I will mail you a copy, and I'll even sign it, , I'll sign it, a little autograph. And, uh, it'll be my gift to you, uh, for, for taking action. So how's that? Is that
DEANNA:
Cool? I love that so much. And when I go live, um, so I'm gonna go live tomorrow morning, every day that I go live from now on, I'm gonna tell everybody, Hey, make sure you listen to the podcast, make sure I'm, I'm always plugging it anyway, but I'm gonna tell them, Hey, make sure you listen till the end. Listen to the end. Okay. Awesome. All right. I'm gonna circle it's, I have it there,
VICTOR:
. All right, cool. All right, everyone, thank you so much for joining us. Please, uh, if you feel compelled, uh, share this with your family and friends, let's keep the messages going and let's continue to heal every day. Until next time, be present. Be playful, be powerful,
DEANNA:
And please be happy. Be healthy. Be safe.
VICTOR:
Bye everyone.
